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Martha Stewart did her crime, paid her time, and came out of it with only one major regret. “My only big regret that I can talk about is that Saturday Night Live asked me to host,” she in a new profile with Harper’s Bazaar. “My probation officer wouldn’t give me the time. That really pissed me off, because I would have loved to have hosted Saturday Night Live. I’d like that on my résumé.” As if her résumé has any more room on it. Stewart’s career has taken her from modeling to Wall Street to the front page of her very own magazine. In 2004, Stewart served five months in federal prison on charges of conspiracy, obstruction of an FBI investigation, and making false statements to investigators. After serving time, she was under a two-year supervised release. Stewart herself has still never made an appearance on SNL, but cast member Ana Gasteyer frequently impersonated her in the ’90s and early aughts, an honor in itself.
Like NYU freshmen who use fake IDs to get into open mics, being benched by the law did not stop Stewart from pursuing comedy. She destroyed several of the rappers and ball players at Comedy Central’s roast of Justin Bieber in 2015, earning the respect of a new generation. “I love me some Martha,” comedian Tiffany Haddish told Harper’s Bazaar. “She smoke weed, drink wine, and speak her truth! Like, I know visually she’s a white woman, but she’s just a woman who has a lot of life experience.” As far as we know, Stewart doesn’t actually smoke weed, though she’s been known to partake in a contact high around Snoop Dogg. Either way, someone get this Tiffany Haddish recommendation straight to Lorne Michaels. Time to make dreams come true.